You don't know me

Whenever I go through something I have this incessant need to get it all out whether that’s through writing, art or just talking it through until I feel like it’s out there and no longer bringing me down. It’s like a release; a way to free myself from the weight that it is. Things always sound different and hauntingly real when you say them out loud. Human expression is a beautiful thing, regardless of its form, but I’ve never realized how important it is to be aware and conscious of whom you express yourself too.

Once you put yourself out there and express your inner thoughts, feelings, doubts, struggles, pain, questions or whatever it may be; you allow people in. You allow them to have an input, an opinion, a say. You allow them to make assumptions and judgments. They may not intentionally do so, but they do. Once they take a look inside, they think they really know you. That state of vulnerability is only safe in the right hands. Our experiences and the emotions they arouse or trigger within us are sacred. They make us who we are. We are our thoughts, feelings, doubts, struggles, pain, joy, questions, memories, experiences. When we express ourselves, we are giving a piece of ourselves; we are sharing who we truly are.

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw,”…just below the surface, we’re all raw and exposed”. We all need that person. That person we know we can be raw and exposed with. I’ve realized recently how important it is to know who your real friends are. I’m not sure ‘real’ is the right word to use. I guess I mean the kind of friends you know you can trust with anything. Anyone can listen, but few people really care. And that’s okay. I guess what I’m trying to say is, know your person. Don’t throw yourself around, protect yourself and guard your heart. 

Stop by here, Here's my stop

There's a rhythm in the train, it's constant, it's fast, it doesn't look back

If you don't look, it may pass you by

Look carefully or you may miss something

Once it's passed it's gone 

If you're quick, you may catch a glimpse

That is, before something else catches your eye

Darkness surrounds you, the night has come

It feels thick, almost suffocating, drowning

White lights, red lights, yellow lights, sometimes green

Bright lights, dim lights, strong lights, weak lights

Out there they glow

Little beady eyes, staring at you, reminding you there's life out there

It's comforting but it makes you feel small, it makes you feel far away

When will this darkness end, you wonder as you get lost in the night

You can't tell where it ends and it begins

It is vast, it is real and it sucks you in

Your reflection never leaves you, it watches your every move

Sometimes it catches you off guard, sometimes you look for it

There you are... there YOU are

Do you stare back or do you look far beyond? 

Oh...here's my stop

Waiting for?

It’s funny how so many times, we pursue things we know that are bad for us. It’s almost like, the more that’s at stake and the more it could hurt us, the more reckless we become with ourselves. We put labels on it and fool ourselves. We’re the best at fooling ourselves. We say things like; but what if or it can only get better, or my favorite, it just feels right. Sometimes things that feel right at the time are just our hearts convincing our minds that what we want is a good idea. We don’t like conflict. We want our hearts and minds to be in sync. We talk ourselves into thinking our desires have a greater purpose; that there is some kind of bigger picture. Is that just another excuse to make ourselves feel better when our choices turn out to be not everything we hoped for at first? That’s when we start making things ‘complicated’. We start getting disappointed but we hold on to that pain and carry it around and become some kind of hero or martyr; suffering in the name of ‘longing’ or what ‘could’ be and what we hope to get out of it.

There will always be bumps in the road and by all means, follow your dreams and go for what you want, even when it gets hard. I think we can expect things to get hard. Nothing comes easy and sometimes the struggle is worth it. But how can we distinguish between being fearless, motivated and driven with being, simply put, foolish, carless and naïve. That is my question. Should we never give up and continue hoping; waiting, or should we move on?

I think sometimes, we just need to make decisions for ourselves; for our well-being. When something that’s supposed to make you happy brings you more pain than joy, maybe it’s time to step away and find a new path to follow. But hey, what do I know :)

More

It’s funny how when you go somewhere different, somewhere far away from home, things fall into perspective. You realize things about yourself and see things differently. You see your life from a distance and sometimes, it’s not what you expected or thought it was. Then you might realize it’s not what you want. It seems simple and easy from a distance. You get this new sense of ambition and desire. You picture you’re life the way you want it to be and it seems so possible. So realistic. It almost feels effortless, like it’s already changed. But once you’re there, once you’re back, everything gets a little more complicated. What was it that I wanted? And how was I planning on changing things? You get used to the way things are and slip back into your comfort zone.  I wonder why we call it that. Why “comfort” zone? I’m not sure comfort is always the right word. It is what it is but is it always comfortable? Is it always satisfying and good for us? I don’t think it is. We accept things so easily sometimes. This is my life. These are the cards I’m dealt with. We settle for what’s handed to us and what’s in front of us. Is that enough? Should we not desire for more? There is always more and there is always better. I don’t think we should ever settle. 

Here, there and everywhere

It’s a time of chaos and stress. I feel apathetic. My drive disappears the minute I feel overwhelmed. Unlucky for productivity. What is this busyness? What is this that I am consumed by? I feel like I’m running around like a headless chicken. Attempts are made but what have I really accomplished? Physically I’m doing something but my mind is elsewhere.

How can you create and invent if your mind, body and soul are not unified? How can you enjoy and take everything in if you are here, there and everywhere?

We throw ourselves around. We try to be everywhere. We try to do everything. But at the end of the day, where have we really been and what have we really done? 

Intuition

I'm at a standstill. Things feel stagnant. I'm expectant but not sure what for. I feel anxious and uncertain. Doubtful. There is this lingering feeling that I've missed something and that it's going to hit me any day now. Intuition is a powerful thing. It could be something. It could be nothing. It may sound silly, it may sound crazy, it may even sound like paranoia. Either way, however it may sound, it feels real to you. 

Intuition. Its hard to explain or even share. Its just a feeling, a sense, a hunch. Its funny how easily you can convince yourself of something. We're so fragile. So easily swayed. We can be molded into whatever we create. We follow the contours of our creation and let everything inside sink in until we are so blinded we cannot even see past the lines we've drawn. For something so intangible, its surprising how much value we put on just a feeling.

I have an intuition. A feeling. Its constant and its endless. It doesn't go away. Its become a burden and I carry it around daily. The longer I feel it, the heavier it gets. The clouds are getting fuller. The sky a little darker. Come the first rain drop, I'm ready for whats about to pour

I miss...

I miss nature. I miss grass, trees and sunshine. I miss the mountains. I miss Murree. I miss the smell of kerosine and running away from monkeys. I miss drinking mountain dew like water and sitting on the swing for hours. I miss huddling around the old school heaters in the winter and lying in the sun picking daisies in spring. I miss playing football on the field and blasting music in the lounge. I miss the art room and sitting on the stage in the gym just watching people. I miss the talks over coffee, the green benches, the E-lab, the Murree chill. I miss having roommates and the court at night. I miss the guys and I miss the girls.

I miss having nothing to do but talk to people. Our relationships were so deep, so intimate. We didn't have anything but each other. We didn't need to be intoxicated to have fun.We didn't need to go anywhere or do anything. I miss that simplicity and purity. Mostly, I just miss my friends. 

We'll always have Murree