Timeless Evergreen

 The drive up was always somewhat of a therapeutic ritual. As the journey commenced, the time felt infinite. Once the path took a curvy turn, you knew you were close. An hour, maybe two. You’d adjust your playlist; make sure your music complemented your perplexed state of mind with your picturesque and increasingly grandiose landscape perfectly.  What goes with nauseating anxiety yet undeniable exhilaration for what you knew you were about to uncover? Anything that felt intimate; anything that made you feel like it was just you, the trees and this windy road. Oh, the troubles of a teenage soul.

 That time had come. Time to return. It was never quite clear whether you were departing from or embarking towards home. What is this home you speak of? Is it not possible to have more than one home? May you possess many more! Or perhaps no home at all, simply belonging wherever you may roam, wherever you are drawn to look twice. Until of course the time comes when inspiration has grown stale and you must be captivated again. Forever a nomad. Forever in search of your new home. No, it’s not that black and white. We are hypnotized by our own doubts. We ask questions like we desire to know the answer, but do we? These questions are what make us interesting; what sets us apart. They are our rebellion; our freedom. They keep us alive. They make us feel real. But more than anything, they keep us company. 

It’s a deep taunting sea of grey we find ourselves living in. Whether we swim, float, or sink; our fate remains the same. This is our ocean now. Our world beams and flows the same, endless waves of grey

You roll down the window, pop your head out and feel the air getting cooler and cooler, the higher you go. The cold feels sharp against your skin, but you like it. For a moment you think you’ve sampled a taste of fresh air, only to be replaced by thick black smoke oozing out of the over-crowded and over-decorated trucks, swerving past you, at full speed. A courageous yet reckless joy ride.  You look up to the mass of trees lined up along your way. You feel small, but the trees give you a feeling of comfort, the mountains a sense of protection. Yes, I’m not from here but I belong here too. I found myself here. If that doesn’t make it a home, I don’t know what would. You want nothing more but to immerse yourself into the heart of the forest and discover a new path in the maze of statuesque trees. A magical alluring concoction of sage, olive drab, rich jade and smooth vibrant emerald green.  A viridescent melting pot. Oh the stories you must have heard, the scenes you must have witnessed. The life you must have absorbed. Tales of violence, of courage. Tales of beauty, of survival. A web of secrets, treasures you will never reveal.  This is where history resides. In the crevices of nature and the cracks of the earth. Timeless, evergreen. Surely those branches will carry me, sustain me. Surely a path will illuminate and present itself to me

The leaves intersect and overlap, creating a safety net where you release your queries, reservations, fears, shame, qualms, oh and joy, joy and more joy. You pick up where you left off. The branches sway in agreement and whistle back in reassurance. It echoes through the crowd of trees, bouncing off each other like an orchestrated symphony. You are not alone here. You couldn’t possibly be, even if you tried. What majestic beauty, a humble yet authoritative demeanor. The beginnings of a recipe for respect and trust. As faithful as a reflection, the trees lead you home. And when the night came and you could no longer see the roots, the dark yet defined shadows and faint faraway lights strewn across the mountains like stars reminded you, they were still there. They would forever be and always have been there. When the guidance of the sun has set, it almost looks black. It almost makes sense.

Stay back! Don’t cut me down! Go ahead, whatever ceases here will not be lost for even a moment nor forgotten but forever live on. For like a tree, your roots will keep you firm. Whatever may be cut down, chiseled out or carved away, can be reborn, grow again and be as it was, if not grander

Chaotic Gibberish

I haven’t always been who I am today. It’s a surreal experience when you realize, that moment you changed, that moment you transformed and recreated yourself has already passed. Perhaps it’s not a moment, but more likely a process taken over a long period of time. That sounds more realistic. I’m not so sure though. When I look back and think about where I was a year ago, I find a cheeky grin slowly taking over my face. Who was that girl? She masquerades as me, yet I don’t recognize her. Are they still called memories if all you’re left with are a string of images but none of the feelings associated or attached to them? It’s like watching a foreign film with the wrong subtitles. Gibberish. Chaotic gibberish. That’s what these memories are to me.

Who is that girl? She seems lost. I know why, but I can’t seem to remember that feeling anymore. I want to know what that felt like. I want to remember. I never want to forget. I can find myself caught in the rain; drenched, but I don’t feel wet. I don’t feel the cold. Is it weird that I want to be able to feel that pain again? That I want that association? That connection with the seemingly empty muted hollow reflections of my past.

Who is that girl? I want to know her. If I’m thirsty enough and I dig deep enough, will I find spring water? If I find her, will I know how to handle her? What if I never find her again? A constant elephant in the room. Although she finds home in my heart, I just can’t figure out which damn room. Maybe she hides, or maybe she’s constantly on the move.  Sometimes it’s hard to know whether there’s still something buried and boiling underneath it all or whether it no longer exists because you've evolved and overcome. I can’t assume one or the other. I can’t afford too. It’s easy to roll with it and not look back but just run ecstatically when you’re on a particularly good high. I’m not getting off this ride; I’m just stopping to ask for directions and to make sure I have enough fuel to keep me going. I will not be lost and I won’t be stranded. Happiness isn't something I chose, I felt happy. I continue to feel this way and I choose to stay on this path.

 But I want to know her. I feel like we can and should use our past, not lock it up and leave it behind. We are continuous, we are ongoing. We don't stop or stand still and start over, we are endlessly ever changing. We accumulate. We are all hoarders of our own thoughts, desires, fears, memories, experiences. You're not who you were or who you will be or even who you are right now; you just are. You are fluid. You are a stream and your rivers run deep.

I need to know her. There won't be any surprises on this trip; no blind spots or loose ends. I want the control.

Who is that girl? I don't just want to see you, I want to feel you.

Chaotic gibberish. 

_______________________________________________________

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.

You have seen your own strength.

You have seen your own beauty.

You have seen your golden wings.

Of anything less,

why do you worry?

You are in truth

the soul, of the soul, of the soul.” 

- Rumi

College

Everything was so new, so intangible. I felt safe in my room. My haven, my space. Every time I found myself feeling uncomfortable, I’d think about my bed. Every time I found myself unsure of how to act or what to say, I’d think about the liberty I had to be free in the privacy of my own room. I never had a place to call my own before. It felt mysterious. I felt like I had the key to a hidden world that I possessed. Everything that happened behind my door was my memory, my experience. It was my environment.

Everyone I invited inside my world had become a part of my story. It was nice to have a place to locate my thoughts. A place to fall back on. Security. That’s all you ever want to feel in your home. Safe.

I have felt it all. Or so I like to think. Or maybe so I’d like to hope? Sometimes I get triggers or reminders that lead me to look back on my life and I just think to myself; I have such a strange life. But then again, isn't everyone’s life just a different version of a string of strange, warped, random, unexplainable events? We never really know why, we just know what is.

I have tossed and turned. I have wrestled. Blood, sweat and tears. But I have felt pure joy. I have felt a love so strong it could carry me. I have laughed and I have felt complete. I've ordered enough pizza to feed an army. How fun that was, having someone to eat with. Having someone to  enjoy with. It’s funny, the only times I miss are the times we were doing nothing. There’s beauty in feeling happy in stillness.

So often, we’re chasing the rush. We’re chasing that feeling you get when you have energy to last you till the A.M and everything just flows. You channel the vibe. Your waiting for that moment where everything just spins around you, images you see become snapshots in your head, a montage of the night. Everything you say and hear is funny. Were you always this cool? Who knows, we never talked. Not until now.

But do we need it?

I think I like feeling weightless. 

Metamorphosis

I sink into what feels eerily like quick sand, I struggle and fight, but I get nowhere as I feel myself get sucked into my demise. I have time. Time is all I have. I reach out and I hold on to anything I can get my hands on. Something that will save me. Something strong enough to pull me out of this unforgiving black hole. Soon enough I come to the realization that I am just buying myself more time. There’s no saving me. There is no salvation. I am stuck, and this is where I will exist. 

I will never stop fighting. I will not quit. I will not give up. 

Call it determination. Call it strength. Call it human nature. I have stopped asking what or why. This is my existence. This is who I am. I am not determined. I am not strong, I simply am and this is who I will be. 

My stomach rises up into my mouth and I feel as if I were floating. I’m numb but I’m overcome by this tingling sensation. Is it hot in here? How can this be? How can I feel nothing but feel everything at the same time? I feel anxious yet excited. I am not moving but I am flying over your heads. I am soaring and you will never know it. You will never see it. 

My blood boils to the point till I feel nothing but cold. Icy cold hard shiny metal. Titanium runs through my veins like a beat that won’t quit. I cannot contain it. It only gets louder. I am metallic. I will transform, resist, adjust, create, amend, craft, distort, revise, withstand. This is my metamorphosis. 

Watch me while I pass you by

Murree

I walked through the halls, the walls felt cold, but the rooms glowed with warmth, there was a haunting darkness; a constant chill. A secret in the air. A story that lingered as we played our parts in the routine we called life. We lived with anticipation and desperate expectation; a nervous excitement that kept us going. A capsule tight shut; no one went in and no one went out. A dead end. Some called it family, others called it a community. I called it a black hole. A vacuum; a vacuum that sucked out any original thought or genuine feeling. Am I wrong because I am not moved by your hypocrisy. That I’m not inspired to be a phony. I retreat, and I smile to myself. I pity their naivety and inability to discover their individuality; their spirit. I want to tell them. I want everyone to know. But it’s not safe, is it? They never let you forget whose presence you are privileged to enjoy. To be blessed with. I replaced their broken record with some choices of my own. I let it play loud, loud and resilient. I had something they didn't have. I had something they wanted. I was not afraid of my doubts. They had something I wanted. They had trust.

A lonely moment turned into a quest for fate. The next person I saw would be the one I would turn too. The one I would share my thought life with.  We’d poke a hole in the bubble everyone had caught themselves in. We’d save them. We’d change the course. So much wonderment; so much hope and passion. Our minds were the only things that could run free. No one could judge us there.

The wind blew through my hair and the chill made me hold my breath. I was amazed by what I saw. A vast body of mountains; perfectly aligned in a hypnotic sequence. So much depth, so much life. As I looked over the horizon, the sky bled violet, crimson and sapphire. The last ray of light shot through the darkening sky. For a moment I felt the last bit of warmth on my skin; I shut my eyes and  I could breathe again. In that moment, nothing else existed. As I opened my eyes I watched sun go down and the landscape disappearing into the night. What is this place, I’d ask myself. What a gem we have uncovered. I delighted in the fact that I knew, if I’d raise my hands out on to each side and just let go, the mountains would catch me. The trees would take me home.

But then I’d turn around. I’d open the back door to the dining room table and walk through towards the hallway at the foot of the staircase. I’d take a moment just to listen; to see if I could hear anything.  I’d hear doors slamming and people laughing in the distance. I held my head up high as I walked up to the dorms and I’d slip into my room way after my curfew; trying to go unnoticed. As I lay  my head to rest, I’d find peace as I knew and whole heartedly believed, that I’d see the next day turn into night. And I wouldn't miss that for the world 

This Is A Man's World

Power, Entitlement, Pride

What you think you have

Shame, Pain, Damage

What you think you've caused me
Strength
My secret weapon

Truth

What I hold on too 

Where the heart lies

How much easier would life be if you could control your feelings? How many times have your heart and your mind struggled and wrestled with each other? In the end, doesn’t the heart always win? I guess our minds help us not to be a slave to our wants and desires. Our hearts don’t always steer us the right way, but its power is undeniable. We’ve heard it all before, the heart wants what it wants. But what does that really mean for us?  Does that mean we should just give in to our impulses? Or will our hearts eventually catch up with our minds? Why are some strongly influenced and driven by their feelings and others seem to have a strong head on their shoulders? Does it all come down to balance and control? So many questions J  I don’t know the answers, but what I do know is to never underestimate what your heart tells you. Just because you may not get what your heart wants doesn’t mean it’s not right. Sometimes the world gets in the way. Whether it’s certain circumstances or other people that don’t allow you to pursue what your heart wants or tells you, that doesn’t undermine or devalue it. It means something.

I’ve been thinking lately about disappointment. I’ve realized that although disappointment is such a defeating and helpful feeling, there’s empowerment there. I think you can take comfort in the fact that you put yourself out there and did all that you could. We live in an imperfect world where with every defeat there is room for victory. When you feel like you’ve lost more than you’ve won, don’t lose heart. Think about all that there is still to gain. In the end, don’t give up, because in some shape or form, eventually, I believe you will get what you want.

I wonder though, do we keep trying because we all want to be better or is it because we are better? I’m leaning towards the idea that we are better. So do yourself justice and be the best that you know you are.

Lessons learned

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

― Marilyn Monroe

Every once in a while, you experience a sort of epiphany or revelation. You may have a change of heart or maybe just a change of perspective. My mind is somewhere else. My thought life is on a different path. I’m trying something new. I’m looking out through different eyes. Life will do that. Experience will do that.

Some things I’ve learned recently? Believe in your own strength. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are. Give yourself what you need. Think less about what you should be doing or thinking all the time and just let yourself do or think whatever comes naturally. Sometimes you need to just be. In fact, try to think less in general. You can’t control everything and overthinking things will do more harm than good. You don’t have to win everyone over. People will always have something to say. There will always be those who are quick to think the worst of you and who just don’t understand you. Don’t waste your energy caring about their opinion or trying to change it. You don’t have to defend yourself. They are just hateful and judgmental. Don’t let it affect you. Don’t let their weaknesses rub off on you. It’s ok to be hurt but don’t hold on to any resentment or anger. Just move on. Think bigger picture. Does it really matter what they think? Tell people how you feel about them. If you’re blessed with people you love and value in your life, tell them. It’s ok to need people. You can’t do it all on your own. Recognize when you need help and get the support when you need it. There’s no shame in that. Don’t be afraid of your emotions. Don’t compromise yourself for the benefit and comfort of others. Don’t hide. Love without expecting anything back.

Don’t take yourself so seriously. Have fun. Laugh. A lot. Do things that you know will make you happy, even if they’re unusual. Try new things. Don’t be weighed down by the negativity in your life. It doesn’t have to control you. Be genuine, be real, love yourself, love others. You're never alone.We're all just doing the best we can :)  

You don't know me

Whenever I go through something I have this incessant need to get it all out whether that’s through writing, art or just talking it through until I feel like it’s out there and no longer bringing me down. It’s like a release; a way to free myself from the weight that it is. Things always sound different and hauntingly real when you say them out loud. Human expression is a beautiful thing, regardless of its form, but I’ve never realized how important it is to be aware and conscious of whom you express yourself too.

Once you put yourself out there and express your inner thoughts, feelings, doubts, struggles, pain, questions or whatever it may be; you allow people in. You allow them to have an input, an opinion, a say. You allow them to make assumptions and judgments. They may not intentionally do so, but they do. Once they take a look inside, they think they really know you. That state of vulnerability is only safe in the right hands. Our experiences and the emotions they arouse or trigger within us are sacred. They make us who we are. We are our thoughts, feelings, doubts, struggles, pain, joy, questions, memories, experiences. When we express ourselves, we are giving a piece of ourselves; we are sharing who we truly are.

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw,”…just below the surface, we’re all raw and exposed”. We all need that person. That person we know we can be raw and exposed with. I’ve realized recently how important it is to know who your real friends are. I’m not sure ‘real’ is the right word to use. I guess I mean the kind of friends you know you can trust with anything. Anyone can listen, but few people really care. And that’s okay. I guess what I’m trying to say is, know your person. Don’t throw yourself around, protect yourself and guard your heart. 

Stop by here, Here's my stop

There's a rhythm in the train, it's constant, it's fast, it doesn't look back

If you don't look, it may pass you by

Look carefully or you may miss something

Once it's passed it's gone 

If you're quick, you may catch a glimpse

That is, before something else catches your eye

Darkness surrounds you, the night has come

It feels thick, almost suffocating, drowning

White lights, red lights, yellow lights, sometimes green

Bright lights, dim lights, strong lights, weak lights

Out there they glow

Little beady eyes, staring at you, reminding you there's life out there

It's comforting but it makes you feel small, it makes you feel far away

When will this darkness end, you wonder as you get lost in the night

You can't tell where it ends and it begins

It is vast, it is real and it sucks you in

Your reflection never leaves you, it watches your every move

Sometimes it catches you off guard, sometimes you look for it

There you are... there YOU are

Do you stare back or do you look far beyond? 

Oh...here's my stop

Waiting for?

It’s funny how so many times, we pursue things we know that are bad for us. It’s almost like, the more that’s at stake and the more it could hurt us, the more reckless we become with ourselves. We put labels on it and fool ourselves. We’re the best at fooling ourselves. We say things like; but what if or it can only get better, or my favorite, it just feels right. Sometimes things that feel right at the time are just our hearts convincing our minds that what we want is a good idea. We don’t like conflict. We want our hearts and minds to be in sync. We talk ourselves into thinking our desires have a greater purpose; that there is some kind of bigger picture. Is that just another excuse to make ourselves feel better when our choices turn out to be not everything we hoped for at first? That’s when we start making things ‘complicated’. We start getting disappointed but we hold on to that pain and carry it around and become some kind of hero or martyr; suffering in the name of ‘longing’ or what ‘could’ be and what we hope to get out of it.

There will always be bumps in the road and by all means, follow your dreams and go for what you want, even when it gets hard. I think we can expect things to get hard. Nothing comes easy and sometimes the struggle is worth it. But how can we distinguish between being fearless, motivated and driven with being, simply put, foolish, carless and naïve. That is my question. Should we never give up and continue hoping; waiting, or should we move on?

I think sometimes, we just need to make decisions for ourselves; for our well-being. When something that’s supposed to make you happy brings you more pain than joy, maybe it’s time to step away and find a new path to follow. But hey, what do I know :)

More

It’s funny how when you go somewhere different, somewhere far away from home, things fall into perspective. You realize things about yourself and see things differently. You see your life from a distance and sometimes, it’s not what you expected or thought it was. Then you might realize it’s not what you want. It seems simple and easy from a distance. You get this new sense of ambition and desire. You picture you’re life the way you want it to be and it seems so possible. So realistic. It almost feels effortless, like it’s already changed. But once you’re there, once you’re back, everything gets a little more complicated. What was it that I wanted? And how was I planning on changing things? You get used to the way things are and slip back into your comfort zone.  I wonder why we call it that. Why “comfort” zone? I’m not sure comfort is always the right word. It is what it is but is it always comfortable? Is it always satisfying and good for us? I don’t think it is. We accept things so easily sometimes. This is my life. These are the cards I’m dealt with. We settle for what’s handed to us and what’s in front of us. Is that enough? Should we not desire for more? There is always more and there is always better. I don’t think we should ever settle. 

Here, there and everywhere

It’s a time of chaos and stress. I feel apathetic. My drive disappears the minute I feel overwhelmed. Unlucky for productivity. What is this busyness? What is this that I am consumed by? I feel like I’m running around like a headless chicken. Attempts are made but what have I really accomplished? Physically I’m doing something but my mind is elsewhere.

How can you create and invent if your mind, body and soul are not unified? How can you enjoy and take everything in if you are here, there and everywhere?

We throw ourselves around. We try to be everywhere. We try to do everything. But at the end of the day, where have we really been and what have we really done? 

Intuition

I'm at a standstill. Things feel stagnant. I'm expectant but not sure what for. I feel anxious and uncertain. Doubtful. There is this lingering feeling that I've missed something and that it's going to hit me any day now. Intuition is a powerful thing. It could be something. It could be nothing. It may sound silly, it may sound crazy, it may even sound like paranoia. Either way, however it may sound, it feels real to you. 

Intuition. Its hard to explain or even share. Its just a feeling, a sense, a hunch. Its funny how easily you can convince yourself of something. We're so fragile. So easily swayed. We can be molded into whatever we create. We follow the contours of our creation and let everything inside sink in until we are so blinded we cannot even see past the lines we've drawn. For something so intangible, its surprising how much value we put on just a feeling.

I have an intuition. A feeling. Its constant and its endless. It doesn't go away. Its become a burden and I carry it around daily. The longer I feel it, the heavier it gets. The clouds are getting fuller. The sky a little darker. Come the first rain drop, I'm ready for whats about to pour

I miss...

I miss nature. I miss grass, trees and sunshine. I miss the mountains. I miss Murree. I miss the smell of kerosine and running away from monkeys. I miss drinking mountain dew like water and sitting on the swing for hours. I miss huddling around the old school heaters in the winter and lying in the sun picking daisies in spring. I miss playing football on the field and blasting music in the lounge. I miss the art room and sitting on the stage in the gym just watching people. I miss the talks over coffee, the green benches, the E-lab, the Murree chill. I miss having roommates and the court at night. I miss the guys and I miss the girls.

I miss having nothing to do but talk to people. Our relationships were so deep, so intimate. We didn't have anything but each other. We didn't need to be intoxicated to have fun.We didn't need to go anywhere or do anything. I miss that simplicity and purity. Mostly, I just miss my friends. 

We'll always have Murree

Love em and leave em

Trust is a complicated thing. It's so fragile. So many holes and glitches. It's crazy that something so fundamental to a relationship is so unstable. Maybe thats just in my experience. It's a risk. A leap of faith. You always want to believe the best in people. But no matter how close you are to someone, no matter how much they love you or how much they care theres always that chance that they'll slip up.We all do. People lie to the ones they love all the time. We might not like to admit that but we all do it at some point. Doesn't seem right. When love is real, trust should be unbreakable. It should be transparent. I just wish there was some way of knowing. All we have is their word.

Happy Holidays?

I love this time of the year. There's a sense of warmth and purity. There's a safety and goodness. It's a beautiful thing. Although I can't help but think it's a time of naivity. It's an escape. We're surrounded by lights, festive music and extragavent decor. We shower each other with gifts and remember whats important. We reflect and reminisce. We celebrate.

I love this time of the year. I like the escape. I like the naivity. But I find that it's bitter sweet. We get ready for the new year and hope for the best. It's exciting, but expectations are high and change inevitable. Amongst all the beauty and holiday spirit, I'm left with an unsettling feeling deep inside. I feel a weight of sadness on my heart. I'm constantly reminded by the disappointment people may face and the lonliness they may find themselves in.

I'm not a cynic nor am I pessimistic. I just genuinely hope everyone can say that they love this time of the year

And it starts...

I never really understood blogs. Correction. I never understood why such a large number of people kept blogs. Who are they writing for? What are they writing for? I guess we all have our thoughts. We all want to be heard. I can understand that. Funny. Here I am starting a blog. How very modern of me :) I don't have any real purpose or point for starting one. Just an outlet I suppose. Some thoughts, feelings, experiences. Some life, some art.