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It’s funny how when you go somewhere different, somewhere far away from home, things fall into perspective. You realize things about yourself and see things differently. You see your life from a distance and sometimes, it’s not what you expected or thought it was. Then you might realize it’s not what you want. It seems simple and easy from a distance. You get this new sense of ambition and desire. You picture you’re life the way you want it to be and it seems so possible. So realistic. It almost feels effortless, like it’s already changed. But once you’re there, once you’re back, everything gets a little more complicated. What was it that I wanted? And how was I planning on changing things? You get used to the way things are and slip back into your comfort zone.  I wonder why we call it that. Why “comfort” zone? I’m not sure comfort is always the right word. It is what it is but is it always comfortable? Is it always satisfying and good for us? I don’t think it is. We accept things so easily sometimes. This is my life. These are the cards I’m dealt with. We settle for what’s handed to us and what’s in front of us. Is that enough? Should we not desire for more? There is always more and there is always better. I don’t think we should ever settle. 

Here, there and everywhere

It’s a time of chaos and stress. I feel apathetic. My drive disappears the minute I feel overwhelmed. Unlucky for productivity. What is this busyness? What is this that I am consumed by? I feel like I’m running around like a headless chicken. Attempts are made but what have I really accomplished? Physically I’m doing something but my mind is elsewhere.

How can you create and invent if your mind, body and soul are not unified? How can you enjoy and take everything in if you are here, there and everywhere?

We throw ourselves around. We try to be everywhere. We try to do everything. But at the end of the day, where have we really been and what have we really done? 

Intuition

I'm at a standstill. Things feel stagnant. I'm expectant but not sure what for. I feel anxious and uncertain. Doubtful. There is this lingering feeling that I've missed something and that it's going to hit me any day now. Intuition is a powerful thing. It could be something. It could be nothing. It may sound silly, it may sound crazy, it may even sound like paranoia. Either way, however it may sound, it feels real to you. 

Intuition. Its hard to explain or even share. Its just a feeling, a sense, a hunch. Its funny how easily you can convince yourself of something. We're so fragile. So easily swayed. We can be molded into whatever we create. We follow the contours of our creation and let everything inside sink in until we are so blinded we cannot even see past the lines we've drawn. For something so intangible, its surprising how much value we put on just a feeling.

I have an intuition. A feeling. Its constant and its endless. It doesn't go away. Its become a burden and I carry it around daily. The longer I feel it, the heavier it gets. The clouds are getting fuller. The sky a little darker. Come the first rain drop, I'm ready for whats about to pour

I miss...

I miss nature. I miss grass, trees and sunshine. I miss the mountains. I miss Murree. I miss the smell of kerosine and running away from monkeys. I miss drinking mountain dew like water and sitting on the swing for hours. I miss huddling around the old school heaters in the winter and lying in the sun picking daisies in spring. I miss playing football on the field and blasting music in the lounge. I miss the art room and sitting on the stage in the gym just watching people. I miss the talks over coffee, the green benches, the E-lab, the Murree chill. I miss having roommates and the court at night. I miss the guys and I miss the girls.

I miss having nothing to do but talk to people. Our relationships were so deep, so intimate. We didn't have anything but each other. We didn't need to be intoxicated to have fun.We didn't need to go anywhere or do anything. I miss that simplicity and purity. Mostly, I just miss my friends. 

We'll always have Murree

Love em and leave em

Trust is a complicated thing. It's so fragile. So many holes and glitches. It's crazy that something so fundamental to a relationship is so unstable. Maybe thats just in my experience. It's a risk. A leap of faith. You always want to believe the best in people. But no matter how close you are to someone, no matter how much they love you or how much they care theres always that chance that they'll slip up.We all do. People lie to the ones they love all the time. We might not like to admit that but we all do it at some point. Doesn't seem right. When love is real, trust should be unbreakable. It should be transparent. I just wish there was some way of knowing. All we have is their word.