Murree

I walked through the halls, the walls felt cold, but the rooms glowed with warmth, there was a haunting darkness; a constant chill. A secret in the air. A story that lingered as we played our parts in the routine we called life. We lived with anticipation and desperate expectation; a nervous excitement that kept us going. A capsule tight shut; no one went in and no one went out. A dead end. Some called it family, others called it a community. I called it a black hole. A vacuum; a vacuum that sucked out any original thought or genuine feeling. Am I wrong because I am not moved by your hypocrisy. That I’m not inspired to be a phony. I retreat, and I smile to myself. I pity their naivety and inability to discover their individuality; their spirit. I want to tell them. I want everyone to know. But it’s not safe, is it? They never let you forget whose presence you are privileged to enjoy. To be blessed with. I replaced their broken record with some choices of my own. I let it play loud, loud and resilient. I had something they didn't have. I had something they wanted. I was not afraid of my doubts. They had something I wanted. They had trust.

A lonely moment turned into a quest for fate. The next person I saw would be the one I would turn too. The one I would share my thought life with.  We’d poke a hole in the bubble everyone had caught themselves in. We’d save them. We’d change the course. So much wonderment; so much hope and passion. Our minds were the only things that could run free. No one could judge us there.

The wind blew through my hair and the chill made me hold my breath. I was amazed by what I saw. A vast body of mountains; perfectly aligned in a hypnotic sequence. So much depth, so much life. As I looked over the horizon, the sky bled violet, crimson and sapphire. The last ray of light shot through the darkening sky. For a moment I felt the last bit of warmth on my skin; I shut my eyes and  I could breathe again. In that moment, nothing else existed. As I opened my eyes I watched sun go down and the landscape disappearing into the night. What is this place, I’d ask myself. What a gem we have uncovered. I delighted in the fact that I knew, if I’d raise my hands out on to each side and just let go, the mountains would catch me. The trees would take me home.

But then I’d turn around. I’d open the back door to the dining room table and walk through towards the hallway at the foot of the staircase. I’d take a moment just to listen; to see if I could hear anything.  I’d hear doors slamming and people laughing in the distance. I held my head up high as I walked up to the dorms and I’d slip into my room way after my curfew; trying to go unnoticed. As I lay  my head to rest, I’d find peace as I knew and whole heartedly believed, that I’d see the next day turn into night. And I wouldn't miss that for the world 

This Is A Man's World

Power, Entitlement, Pride

What you think you have

Shame, Pain, Damage

What you think you've caused me
Strength
My secret weapon

Truth

What I hold on too 

Where the heart lies

How much easier would life be if you could control your feelings? How many times have your heart and your mind struggled and wrestled with each other? In the end, doesn’t the heart always win? I guess our minds help us not to be a slave to our wants and desires. Our hearts don’t always steer us the right way, but its power is undeniable. We’ve heard it all before, the heart wants what it wants. But what does that really mean for us?  Does that mean we should just give in to our impulses? Or will our hearts eventually catch up with our minds? Why are some strongly influenced and driven by their feelings and others seem to have a strong head on their shoulders? Does it all come down to balance and control? So many questions J  I don’t know the answers, but what I do know is to never underestimate what your heart tells you. Just because you may not get what your heart wants doesn’t mean it’s not right. Sometimes the world gets in the way. Whether it’s certain circumstances or other people that don’t allow you to pursue what your heart wants or tells you, that doesn’t undermine or devalue it. It means something.

I’ve been thinking lately about disappointment. I’ve realized that although disappointment is such a defeating and helpful feeling, there’s empowerment there. I think you can take comfort in the fact that you put yourself out there and did all that you could. We live in an imperfect world where with every defeat there is room for victory. When you feel like you’ve lost more than you’ve won, don’t lose heart. Think about all that there is still to gain. In the end, don’t give up, because in some shape or form, eventually, I believe you will get what you want.

I wonder though, do we keep trying because we all want to be better or is it because we are better? I’m leaning towards the idea that we are better. So do yourself justice and be the best that you know you are.

Lessons learned

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

― Marilyn Monroe

Every once in a while, you experience a sort of epiphany or revelation. You may have a change of heart or maybe just a change of perspective. My mind is somewhere else. My thought life is on a different path. I’m trying something new. I’m looking out through different eyes. Life will do that. Experience will do that.

Some things I’ve learned recently? Believe in your own strength. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are. Give yourself what you need. Think less about what you should be doing or thinking all the time and just let yourself do or think whatever comes naturally. Sometimes you need to just be. In fact, try to think less in general. You can’t control everything and overthinking things will do more harm than good. You don’t have to win everyone over. People will always have something to say. There will always be those who are quick to think the worst of you and who just don’t understand you. Don’t waste your energy caring about their opinion or trying to change it. You don’t have to defend yourself. They are just hateful and judgmental. Don’t let it affect you. Don’t let their weaknesses rub off on you. It’s ok to be hurt but don’t hold on to any resentment or anger. Just move on. Think bigger picture. Does it really matter what they think? Tell people how you feel about them. If you’re blessed with people you love and value in your life, tell them. It’s ok to need people. You can’t do it all on your own. Recognize when you need help and get the support when you need it. There’s no shame in that. Don’t be afraid of your emotions. Don’t compromise yourself for the benefit and comfort of others. Don’t hide. Love without expecting anything back.

Don’t take yourself so seriously. Have fun. Laugh. A lot. Do things that you know will make you happy, even if they’re unusual. Try new things. Don’t be weighed down by the negativity in your life. It doesn’t have to control you. Be genuine, be real, love yourself, love others. You're never alone.We're all just doing the best we can :)  

You don't know me

Whenever I go through something I have this incessant need to get it all out whether that’s through writing, art or just talking it through until I feel like it’s out there and no longer bringing me down. It’s like a release; a way to free myself from the weight that it is. Things always sound different and hauntingly real when you say them out loud. Human expression is a beautiful thing, regardless of its form, but I’ve never realized how important it is to be aware and conscious of whom you express yourself too.

Once you put yourself out there and express your inner thoughts, feelings, doubts, struggles, pain, questions or whatever it may be; you allow people in. You allow them to have an input, an opinion, a say. You allow them to make assumptions and judgments. They may not intentionally do so, but they do. Once they take a look inside, they think they really know you. That state of vulnerability is only safe in the right hands. Our experiences and the emotions they arouse or trigger within us are sacred. They make us who we are. We are our thoughts, feelings, doubts, struggles, pain, joy, questions, memories, experiences. When we express ourselves, we are giving a piece of ourselves; we are sharing who we truly are.

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw,”…just below the surface, we’re all raw and exposed”. We all need that person. That person we know we can be raw and exposed with. I’ve realized recently how important it is to know who your real friends are. I’m not sure ‘real’ is the right word to use. I guess I mean the kind of friends you know you can trust with anything. Anyone can listen, but few people really care. And that’s okay. I guess what I’m trying to say is, know your person. Don’t throw yourself around, protect yourself and guard your heart. 

Stop by here, Here's my stop

There's a rhythm in the train, it's constant, it's fast, it doesn't look back

If you don't look, it may pass you by

Look carefully or you may miss something

Once it's passed it's gone 

If you're quick, you may catch a glimpse

That is, before something else catches your eye

Darkness surrounds you, the night has come

It feels thick, almost suffocating, drowning

White lights, red lights, yellow lights, sometimes green

Bright lights, dim lights, strong lights, weak lights

Out there they glow

Little beady eyes, staring at you, reminding you there's life out there

It's comforting but it makes you feel small, it makes you feel far away

When will this darkness end, you wonder as you get lost in the night

You can't tell where it ends and it begins

It is vast, it is real and it sucks you in

Your reflection never leaves you, it watches your every move

Sometimes it catches you off guard, sometimes you look for it

There you are... there YOU are

Do you stare back or do you look far beyond? 

Oh...here's my stop

Waiting for?

It’s funny how so many times, we pursue things we know that are bad for us. It’s almost like, the more that’s at stake and the more it could hurt us, the more reckless we become with ourselves. We put labels on it and fool ourselves. We’re the best at fooling ourselves. We say things like; but what if or it can only get better, or my favorite, it just feels right. Sometimes things that feel right at the time are just our hearts convincing our minds that what we want is a good idea. We don’t like conflict. We want our hearts and minds to be in sync. We talk ourselves into thinking our desires have a greater purpose; that there is some kind of bigger picture. Is that just another excuse to make ourselves feel better when our choices turn out to be not everything we hoped for at first? That’s when we start making things ‘complicated’. We start getting disappointed but we hold on to that pain and carry it around and become some kind of hero or martyr; suffering in the name of ‘longing’ or what ‘could’ be and what we hope to get out of it.

There will always be bumps in the road and by all means, follow your dreams and go for what you want, even when it gets hard. I think we can expect things to get hard. Nothing comes easy and sometimes the struggle is worth it. But how can we distinguish between being fearless, motivated and driven with being, simply put, foolish, carless and naïve. That is my question. Should we never give up and continue hoping; waiting, or should we move on?

I think sometimes, we just need to make decisions for ourselves; for our well-being. When something that’s supposed to make you happy brings you more pain than joy, maybe it’s time to step away and find a new path to follow. But hey, what do I know :)